Inviting Pain

The wounds that run too deep to heal
The scars now hidden
Buried deep
Would you come quickly to reveal
Break their hold
And sweeten sleep 

It’s happened many times that I don’t see the interweaving of God’s wisdom until it is on top of me. A number of days ago when I read the words of Paul in his second letter to a Greek church in present-day Turkey about how causing sorrow that lead to change is a good thing, I knew it was significant. But I expected God was teaching me how to lead other people by saying hard things sometimes.

And tonight, when I’m exhausted from two stressful weeks of good work I see it come back around in a new light as I consider the hidden fears I feel that drive some of my actions. We all have these. Lust is so often driven by our own feelings of inadequacy in ways that extend far beyond sex. Hesitancy to try new things is often built on some past failure.

Tonight, I see that some of my attempts to please people are built on that same sting of past failure. I push myself to do tons of things in part because it is pleasing to God, but also in part because I have this delusion that my failure to be perfect is at the root of some of my every-so-often unhealthy dissatisfaction.

What gets so tricky, I think, is that none of these things (drive to do better, dissatisfaction with a messed up world, doing many things that point back to God’s glory) are wrong. So it can be hard for others to help me work through this stuff, because they just assume the best of me and think that by discouraging this self-reflection they’ll point me to a place of peace. When in reality I need them to be serious with me to the point of clearing out the unhealthy fears that are productive over the short-term, but killers over the long-term.

The truth I am reminded of tonight by a regular Bible reading e-mail is on two-levels. First, God will continue to provide my needs as I give up my whims for lasting love and truth. And second, that I will never finish my work in this life, but the pursuit of the Kingdom of God is something that supersedes these short-term goals I still pursue and has an attainable end.